23 December 2002
Well, that's it.

I stopped without exactly meaning to. I may begin again at some point. This may be the end of the daily log or just a hiatus, only time will tell.

When I started this log, Damian was very young. Barely two years old, and developmentally younger than that. It was hard to conceive that he'd ever read these words, and I wanted to capture what it was like to live with a growing, changing creature. Then he was diagnosed, and this space became a way to record the daily rollercoaster ride, the tiny steps that led to bigger breakthroughs, the frustrations and fears too, but on a micro level rather than the larger sweep of a full-on journal entry. This was important to me -- when Damian had so far to go, it became imperative to see how far he'd already come and to see patterns in the otherwise bewildering ups and downs of his neurological development.

But now it's been nearly two years since his diagnosis. Damian is literally a different child. Yes, he still has things to learn, maybe he always will. The story of his recovery isn't over. But I no longer have a metaphorical pair of binoculars trained on his every move. I don't need to. And I've started to resent this log, see it as a chore. Not good. Nobody's forcing me to keep this current, nobody needs to know Damian's every action, and I find myself hyper-aware of his eventual reaction to all this. It was one thing when he was less fully present, I still believe he will be okay with that look at himself. But it's different now to chronicle his life with such an intensely focussed daily record. Doesn't feel right. Time to close up shop.

I will still keep up with the main journal. Maybe once the log is no more, I'll find myself more impelled to write more entries instead of venting in the log. Maybe I'll just use the new free night hours to research literary magazines or curl up and watch our new Tivo with Dan. In any case, I will continue to tell the story of Damian's development for at least another year or two, whether in monthly or weekly installments. Just no longer daily ones.

Stay tuned.

And thanks for reading. When I started the log, I never expected it to acquire a readership of its own. It's been a source of hidden wonder to me that it has. That it did.

log archives

Damian essay archive / other essays archive / what's all this, then?

copyright 2002 Tamar